Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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