The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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