I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize