I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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