Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
