in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
