it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he fucked my hip out of place.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
