I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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