It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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