Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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