I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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