Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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