You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
