So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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