is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
