Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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