Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
