You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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