My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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