my being single is dangerous.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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