i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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