He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize