I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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