Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
