I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
