With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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