He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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