I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
