Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
