Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
