At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
