Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
