if i can run in heels then i can drive
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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