When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
