i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize