Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize