Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
