i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
