see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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