Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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