Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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