She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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