Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Life is so much better after having sex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
