Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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