Plan B is the new Plan A
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
