I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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