dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
