Your dad touched me again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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