Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
