What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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