i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
