Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
