I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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