good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
