the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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