Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
