Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
